Sex LEGOs

A 36-Year Overdue Public Apology to my LGBTQIA+ Friends

For today’s article, it’s hard to stick to the “Comedy” promise I made for “Coffee, Cults & Comedy”. But a promise is a promise, so here ya go:

Why did the non-binary prospector move to California?

There’s gold in them/they’re hills.

*Holds for polite chuckles/eye rolls/wtf’s, moves on.

As you may recall, in my “Sin” study, I was reeling from being told that I was an idol worshipper and that I was now supposed to go to only 10% of the auditions for which my agent submitted me and while I was there, wrangle my fellow pagans into coming to Jesus. And just as I was taking extremely deep breaths and trying to mentally reframe this terrifying scenario into a way to genuinely love others, Elfin Dervish dropped the real bomb.

“Homosexuality is a sin.”

I guess it shouldn’t have come as such a shock. I knew a lot of religious people believed this—it was 1990, after all, the height of the AIDS crisis-- it’s just that I’d never heard it spoken out loud by someone who wasn’t the evil orange juice lady or Jackass Falwell. And since I’d been in a kind of bubble in the late 80s, hanging out with all my wonderful gay friends in graduate acting school, I was unprepared to tackle an opinion with which I so profoundly disagreed.

Especially one that was being presented as not an opinion, but the very words of God.

As we’ve previously established, I’d frequently found myself unable to push back against the Devotional Divas, but this time I was mad enough to shove.

“No. I don’t believe that.”

“The Bible says--”

“I don’t care, it doesn’t make any sense. Why would it be a sin?”

“Because the parts don’t fit.”

Yes, that was the answer. To reduce human beings with all their intense love and unexplainable attractions and partnership longings to no more than sexual LEGOs.

This would be the first of many, many reductive, uninformed, uncharitable, mean-spirited, and outright stupid answers I would get to my questions.

This would be the issue that kept me from getting baptized for months after I finished the church’s Bible study series.

This would be the issue that tormented me throughout my entire time as a Christian. I was like a balloon with a slow leak; all of my convictions and love for God and dogged determination to understand the scriptures couldn’t overcome this constant drag on my heart. I went against my conscience for years and my nervous system is still shot from it.

So, why did I do it? Why did I let them talk me into accepting something I found unacceptable?

There are no excuses, only the way I thought and processed at that time in my life.

First, they put doubt in my mind and I was so terribly afraid of being wrong. Overwhelming, paralyzing, brain-sucking fear.

I didn’t care about the so-called morality or even the whole saved/lost/Heaven/Hell mess. The thing I feared most was that my gay friends would end up unhappy and alone. This was long before civil unions, Obergefell, or gay couples being able to adopt or have surrogate births. There were no affirming churches, or at least none that I’d ever heard of. Presented with two options, a life where you could be at peace with God, get married, have a family, etc., or the alternative, which was being played out in front of me in real time, seemed bleak, to say the very least.

Okay.

So that was the more understandable and less egregious part of my knuckling under.

The part that’s harder to admit is my privilege, ability to compartmentalize, and surrendering of my own belief system to fit in.

I wasn’t gay, or trans, or intersex, so choosing to go with the party line didn’t affect me personally on a day-to-day basis. I suffered my pangs of conscience, but I still had the privilege of being able to walk away. My LGBTQIA friends did not. I chose to be part of something that caused anguish for people I loved and I did it consciously, even though I felt deeply in my spirit that it was wrong.

Not to be overly dramatic (because moi, dramatic?! Perish the thought!) but I find this to be unforgivable. In fact, when I apologized to my LGBTQIA friends (individually and face-to-face) after leaving the church, I said that I did not deserve to be forgiven and I would understand if they chose not to. I will never again play the weak “Christian” card of expecting an apology to force forgiveness on another. The church coerced, bullied, and Bible-bashed me, no doubt, but they didn’t physically hold my head underwater for baptism; therefore, I take full responsibility for my choice.

Now I realize that there may be some readers who did not feel that they were going against their consciences by accepting the church’s stance on this issue. They find “the parts don’t fit” to be a valid argument. I am not here to criticize your take, as I am emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted from years of trying to convince others that certainty = true faith. All I would ask is that you give your deeply-held convictions another look, because people’s lives are at stake. Literally.

Violence against the LGBTQIA community has spiked. Suicidality has been worsened by anti-LGBTQIA political policies. Homelessness is rampant and frequently due to religious parents kicking their LGBTQIA children out of the house.

I know you think you would never do violence or ask your child to leave your home. But please consider that your decision to be part of a religious system that labels homosexuality or transgenderism as “sin” or “unnatural” possibly gives cover to those who justify these acts as standing up for God.

This is strong language and up for debate, obviously. So, on a more personal note, I would ask you to consider how it feels for your queer child to have parents that believe they are fundamentally broken and perverted. I finally left non-affirming Christianity because my son came out and I could no longer reconcile what I saw with my eyes with what my church was telling me. He was so moved by my choice, he wrote a short film about it. Because of this, I’m sure there will be some who say I’ve abandoned my convictions for sentimentality or “toxic empathy”. Guilty. And happy to be so, naysayers. Take off your earrings and come at me, I’m ready with my big bleeding libtard mother’s heart, mofos.

So listen, y’all, could I be wrong? Of course. I no longer subscribe to certainty of any kind when it comes to the Divine. But I’d rather err on the side of love and acceptance than doctrine and I will back my choice up with an actual scripture.

The one scripture that kept me in the church for so many years and, ironically, the one that caused my departure.

Ephesians 3:19 “Love that surpasses knowledge.”

It’s part of a longer passage, so am I proof-texting? Damn right I am. Selective scripture usage was weaponized against me for 30+ years, so I’m doing it right back. I even got it tattooed on my arm in Italian (for my ancestors, gay or straight ;-)

For those who want to explore more, I will be listing many resources I’ve used throughout the upcoming articles on Coffee, Cults & Comedy. Here are a few:

Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships by Karen R. Keen

Changing Our Mind by David P. Gushee

Does Jesus Really Love Me? A Gay Christian’s Pilgrimage in Search of God in America by Jeff Chu

Penny in the Air by Sarah Bessey

Much, much, muuuccchhh more to come.

Love all y’all. Even the assholes and homophobes, because I believe anyone can change. Thanks for listening.